Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
