I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
