just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
