So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
