You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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