Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
