piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
