I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
