The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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