She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
