I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
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Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
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Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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