If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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