My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
