Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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