Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
