took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
