i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
