There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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