God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
