So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
