He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
