So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
