you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
