Don't make out with my wife yet
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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