you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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