I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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