You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
