god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
