I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
