im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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