I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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