I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
