I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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