Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
