Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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