I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
