If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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