I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
