just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
