dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
