Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
