I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
