i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
