dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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