i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
