Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
