Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i drank out of a bidet.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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