If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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