your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
