...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
