i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
