I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
