she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
