I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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