Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
