I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
