My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
